Laws of anime (part 2)


Here’s part 2 of the laws of anime from!

#26) Law of Feline Mutation – Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:

1) Be female.
2) Will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation.
3) Wear as little clothing as possible, if any (a definite plus).
4) Rare would this apply to male half-cat/half-human mutations (though they exist out there).

#27) Law of Conservation of Firepower – Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used as a last resort.

#28) Law of Technological User-Benevolence – The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

#29) Law of Melee Luminescence – Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for “Good Guys” and red for “Bad Guys”. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

#30) Law of Non-Anthropomorphic Antagonism – All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

#31) Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability – Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.

#32) Law of Follicular Permanence – Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone’s hair is the same way you deal with demons… with bladed weapons!

#33) Law of Nothingness – There is no Law #33… I think.

#34) Law of Probable Attire – Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines: Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off aforementioned female’s clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene). Whenever there is a headwind, Male characters invariably wear long cloaks that don’t hamper movement and billow out dramatically behind them.

First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability): All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.

Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability): Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.

Third Corollary (Probable Attire permanence): The clothing on the hero is indestructible. Their capes, robes, (and if they are girls,) skirts, dresses, bows, or any loose clothing will just flap when they are in the middle of a fire or ice attack… Unless it’s a hentai… it is believed that the clothes are made out of Anime Character hair. (Re. Laws 32 & 48)

#35) Law of Musical Omnipotence – Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more “simple things”, such examples would be like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on… especially if they’ve never attempted these things before.

#36) Law of Quintupular Agglutination – Also called “The Five-man Rule”, when “Good Guys” group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:

1) The Hero/Leader
2) His Girlfriend
3) His Best Friend/Rival
4) A Hulking Brute
5) A Dwarf/Kid

Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
1) Extreme Coolness
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible Irritation

#37) Law of Extradimensional Capacitance – All anime females have an extradimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment’s notice. This mysterious dimension is commonly called “Malletspace”.
First Corollary (also known as The Hammer Rule): The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.

#38) Law of Hydrostatic Emission – Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

#39) Law of Inverse Attraction – Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get and vice-versa.
First Corollary: Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world…

#40) Law of Nasal Sanguination – When sexually aroused, males in Anime don’t get erections (no that occurs in H-manga sometimes), nope, they get nosebleeds. No one’s sure why this is, though… the current theory suggests that larger eyes mean smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don’t get nosebleeds (though it’s very rare), but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.

#41) Law of Xylolaceration – Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.

#42) Law of Juvenile Omnipotence – Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.

#43) Law of Triscaquadrodecophobia – There is no Law #43.

#44) Law of Nominative Clamovocation – The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced (known as the Kamehameha effect).

#45) Law of Uninterruptable Metamorphosis – Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any “Bad Guys” witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it (unless they’re smart to try an action but then again such an action doesn’t exist much).

#46) Law of Flimsy Incognition – Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.

#47) Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission – All anime characters seem to have some unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.

#48) Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism – If you get electrocuted or burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later, your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the “Pikachu Effect”).

First Corollary: When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame, wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s) to be standing in the “Walking Against the Wind” stance, with his/her eyes shut and letting out a pathetic “Aaaaagh!”, and yet they are never harmed. This may be in part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.

#49) Law of Female Wrath – If a male character insults a female character, he will get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as the “Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor”). This is because he always deserves it, and will help him to cope in today’s society. (Sniff, Sniff)

#50) Law of Artistic Perversion – Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter). Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression…”


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