Laws of anime (part 3)


Here’s part 3 of the laws of anime from! Please enjoy!

#51) Law of Uninterruptable Nominative Clamovocation – This law is a mixture of Laws 44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any “Bad Guys” witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the “Dragon Slave Phenomenon”)

#52) Law of Telepathic Obliviousness – Most of the time, some Anime characters (usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC! The reasons for this are:

1) They forgot that the person is telepathic.
2) They just don’t give a damn.
The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are:
1) They’re preoccupied with doing something else.
2) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic.
3) They just don’t give a damn.

#53) Law of Chromatic Diversity – Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.

#54) Law of Old Man Comic Relief – Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald, wise-mouthed dirty old man, alien, or the combination of any two of those traits.
First Corollary: If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid, etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying pan or something.

#55) Law of the Wise Old Man – Little old Japanese men always know how it ends and withhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special power weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.

#56) Law of Omnipotent Unreliability – Any “Bad Guy” with Omnipotent powers/weapons will never use those powers/weapons against the “Good Guy” until it is too late.
First Corollary: All “Bad Guys” suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome which require all “Bad Guys” to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use it against the “Good Guy”.
Second Corollary: No “Bad Guy” may use any new, secret, or superior military device without one of the following events occurring:

a) The control device being broken.
b) The control device being taken by the “Good Guy”.
c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just fooled by the “Good Guy”.
d) The “Bad Guy” has already lost and cannot use the device.

#57) Law of Minimum Corneal Volume – Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman…

#58) Law of Electrical Charges in Hair – Hair attracts electricity in abundance, resulting in two outcomes:
a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me look.

b) A negative charge will result in the hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.

#59) Law of Ammunition Accuracy – When there are multiple types of ammunition available (paintballs, speaker pods) non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate when compared to “standard” or “lethal” shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7 for speaker pods)

#60) Law of Active Female Attraction – In a comedy series, a male character’s attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them. (Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot couldn’t get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)

#61) Law of Sweat Pore Variability – When a person is embarrassed, caught in an awkward situation, or otherwise humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract, except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single drop could fill a Big Gulp from a 7-11 shop.

#62) The Law of Inverse Training Time – A person who has been training for 3 years is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.

#63) Law of Needs to Few and Many – The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few… of even the one.

#64) Law of Bad Humor – Whenever someone says something that is intended to be funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall. (The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)

#65) Law of Extreme Anger – Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as pinching the guy’s face so hard that it changes shape (see law #49).

#66) Law of Differentiated Gravitation – The following occur:

First Corollary: If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least 500 km of any gravity source) of the entity “jumping”.

Second Corollary” The amount of Newtonian “opposite force” (in accordance to normal downward velocity; “Earth gravity” speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also inversely proportional to the “actual” speed of the airborne entity. In all actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb. of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a “Bad Guy”. Then the law exhibits a mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.

#67) Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension – In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the “Good Guy’s” Style Coefficient must be increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does not happen, the “Bad Guy” inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by an exponential increase in the “Good Guy’s” Style Coefficient.

#68) Law of Coercive Vehicular Control – No matter how complex or well defined the control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis.

First Corollary: Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and lethality of the maneuver.

Second Corollary: It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not always apply to “Bad Guy” characters, or “Good Guy” characters in situations where the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#69) Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension – In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding increase in the “Good Guy’s” Style Coefficient, not only does the “Bad Guy” usually come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in Ambient Dramatic Tension.

#70) Law of The Rushing Background Effect – Whenever something dramatic occurs, a survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often referred to as “The Rushing Background Effect”. Due to the increase in brain activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in slow motion.

#71) Law of Interdimensional Hammers – Whenever a female character witnesses a male character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at another girl or anything she might construe as perverted) she can reach into an interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (See Laws # 37, 49, and 65)

#72) Law of Instant Band-Aids – Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.

#73) Law of Universal Edge Defense – Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly past the defender (Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime).

#74) Law of Intractable Sanity – There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime characters will either:

a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and exposition)
b) Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a position to ravish beautiful girls, or…
c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.

#75) Law of Celestial Body Control – At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can summon a sun/moon/halo to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.”


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